White Girl Problems

Sometimes I think I’ve been crippled by white privilege. This is not to say I view it as a disability worthy of a defense in court like affluenza. I simply mean that my advantages in life have perhaps made it more difficult for me to cope with adversity and failure. I don’t know what real strength is because I’ve never really had to survive anything. I’ve never tasted true accomplishment because I’ve never had to fight for anything as if my life depended on it. Maybe I’m unfamiliar with genuine gratitude because I’ve never truly suffered.

I’ve had so many conversations with my friends about whether or not we should be allowed to call our “problems” actual problems. In my head I sometimes have to ask myself if what I’m stressing about is a real problem or a white person problem. A friend has pointed out to me, on several occasions, that all I really need is a healthy dose of perspective. If we were more aware of the very real struggles millions of people of color are dealing with daily would we complain as much? Do we really have anything at all to complain about in our cushy, middle class lives?

It’s easy to be apathetic when you’re able to get through a day without being reminded how unfair life is. When your life isn’t directly impacted by injustice on a daily basis it’s easy to ignore what you don’t need to see. That’s a privilege.The way I’m simply able to navigate through my life from day to day is just that: a privilege. Most of us forget and the fact that we need to be reminded is exactly part of the problem. I contribute to the epidemic by staying quiet, by being complacent. People don’t change until they’re forced. When your very existence doesn’t require moving towards action it’s easier to say working for change can wait until another day. There’s no pressure, no sense of urgency. That’s one of the biggest obstacles in motivating white people to change, to give up some of their privilege and use our voices for good: if we do, we lose. And what exactly do we have to gain? 

Creating a more equitable world requires sacrifice; it means giving up some of the privileges we’ve become so accustomed to. Recognizing the problem isn’t very hard when you look for it. It’s doing something about it that’s the hard part. Inequity is all around us. Knowledge is there for the taking. But real change is hard to come by and even harder to consistently live by. Actions speak louder than words but words sound so pretty. Good intentions are noble but bold actions are more honest. And ultimately, good intentions just pave the way for misguided actions. Meaning well isn’t enough. You have to do well too.

White people are too sensitive. This is something that has become all too apparent in our racially charged society. We can’t have real conversations about race or inequality because all too often they end up being about hurting white people’s feelings. Talking about institutional racism or individual white people as racist automatically becomes an attack, like you’re accusing whoever you’re talking to as being racist him or herself. I have to admit that I am guilty of jumping to my own defense in such conversations with the go to comebacks like “but I’m not racist” and “well, I don’t even see color.” I have since realized that such rhetoric is not only futile but it’s also just not true. We don’t have to be colorblind to have an honest conversation about race. We just have to be willing to admit that there are no innocents here. Even if you’re not overtly saying or doing anything racist, staying silent is a form of passive consent. Complacent is the new racist. I’ve spent so much of my life plagued by white guilt and it’s been a largely internal experience. If I took one of my social work professor’s advice and “got over my white guilt so I could do something with it” and other people did the same what might we actually be able to accomplish together?

Navigating the world today in a somewhat socially responsible way starts with having a little perspective. And a whole lot of humility and gratitude.

In social work school I thought a lot about my positionality and the best role for me to have in a movement for change. For a long time I think I naively saw myself as being this visionary leader--the voice of a movement. Once I started my graduate program though, I realized that as a privileged white woman who’s never truly been oppressed maybe the front lines aren’t the best place for me, or the most appropriate. By being another well-intentioned white person in a position of power in the nonprofit world maybe I would just subtly be perpetuating the same cycles of oppression I recognize need to change. I would be a part of the status quo, another cog in the white guilt machine we call philanthropy.

What I now understand is that real movements for change need to be lead by oppressed populations that are most affected by what they’re fighting against. They’re the ones who know what they need. So, perhaps a more appropriate role for me is that of a white ally--every movement needs them after all. And maybe the best way for me to be an ally is by pushing other white people like me to give a shit. If we all looked beyond ourselves and cared just a little bit more imagine what we could be able to achieve! Just some food for thought...

Shedding My White Guilt to Grow a New Skin

Before I became a social worker I told people my desire to work for social change was partially driven by white guilt.

Before I became a social worker I said I wanted to be a voice for the voiceless. I wanted to advocate on behalf of marginalized communities.

When I started studying social work one of my first professors told our class we had to get over our white guilt and do something with it.

Now that I’m a social worker I’m ready to take her advice.

Now that I’m a social worker I want to help the voiceless find their own voices.

Now that I’m a social worker I want to work with marginalized communities to develop their own strengths, so they can advocate for themselves. 

Now that I’m a social worker I want to be intentional about how best to be a white woman of privilege working for change.

Maybe the best thing I can do is educate other privileged people.

Maybe the best thing I can do is urge others to be part of the solution and not the problem.

Maybe the best thing I can do is always speak up.

Maybe the best thing I can do is combat ignorance and complacency by always being the squeaky wheel.

I understand working for change isn’t about being angry but doing nothing.

I understand fighting institutionalized oppression isn’t about being well liked. It’s about being loud and persistent.

I understand working for change is about getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s about accepting the work is never done and that I may not see the progress I’m fighting for in my lifetime, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth staying in the fight. 

I understand that this is a calling and not for the faint of heart. It’s not about my white guilt or wanting to help people. It’s about doing anything else with my life seeming unimaginable.

I’m ready to get to work.

what studying social work has taught me thus far

I have been enrolled in graduate school to obtain my Masters in Social Work (MSW) for nearly six months.  It has been an eye-opening and gratifying experience thus far. I have realized how much I've missed learning as well as what a good fit this profession is for me. One of the things I like most about social work is it's a profession that promotes life-long learning.  To become licensed as a social worker is to commit to a certain number of professional development hours annually.  Some, but not all professions, require similar commitments.  

This policy appeals to me because it implies self-improvement is a good thing.  None of us are ever a finished product because none of us are perfect.  When working in the social/human services & social justice arenas it is nearly impossible to know exactly what to do or say in every situation, because humans are unpredictable!  We are not expected to get it right every time, especially in the beginning.  However, as long as we are recognizing and learning from our mistakes (and always acting ethically) we can't be faulted for our efforts.  I think this applies to when we're working with others and when dealing with ourselves.  Instead of berating ourselves for making mistakes we must accept them as learning opportunities to simply do better the next time.  If we are always doing the best we can and embracing the fact that no one has all the answers there is admirable potential in that humility.  Each time we put forth our best effort we are becoming better, more capable, and more compassionate humans.

My good friend pointed out to me very recently that any aspect of self-improvement is a life-long commitment.  To fundamentally change something about yourself for the better is to wake up every day committing to that change.  Think of an alcoholic remaining sober--he/she chooses not to drink every single day.  I've heard addicts say they are only ever one day away from risking their sobriety.  Those of us committed to self-improvement go through the same process.  

The cult favorite book The Secret claims it takes thirty days to make something a habit. Thirty days for something to become just another part of our routine.  I wonder if this also applies to more cerebral habits like staying sober or re-framing the way we think about & perceive things, or if it just works with tasks like flossing every day.  Of course, making something a habit or routine does not necessarily mean it becomes easier to do, it's just not as hard to make yourself do it.  So, let's all commit to trying to do better for the next month and see what happens :).  

Are we going about this all wrong?

        One of the truest things I have ever been told is "ignorance is bliss."  The more I know about the world we live in, the harder it is to go on like everything is okay.  Because everything is most certainly not okay.  We are destroying our planet.  Corporate greed still influences major political decisions.  Billions of people are living in poverty, hungry and riddled with curable diseases.  When will we say enough is enough?  What precipice do we need to teeter on to snap us awake and force us into action?  The following are some of the darker thoughts that rattle around in my brain about the world we have created.  It helps me to get it out on paper and I thought sharing could be cathartic as well.


Are we trained to want the wrong things?  We are taught success is a good thing to want.  And it turn, that somehow comes to mean failure is something nobody wants or thus learns how to cope with.  We're told having lots of money is good because it means you can buy things.  These things are supposed to fill our lives and make them better, and because they're better we'll be happier.  But in the end they're still just things.  And because we don't quite feel fulfilled that emptiness that was always there gets a little bigger and is definitely more noticeable.  Pretty soon, the emptiness is a chasm and there's no way to fill it all back in.  

We're filling the emptiness with the wrong things.  Instead of love and joy and laughter, we want Ipads, the newest smart phone, and the most expensive car.  You often see pictures or hear stories of people who are dirt poor and happier than anyone else.  They haven't complicated their lives with this need for material things, this constant craving for more.  They are purely satisfied with what they already have.  They enjoy the small things in life and count each day as a beautiful blessing.  That makes each one you get after that much better than the last.


Are we taught to admire and respect the wrong qualities in people?  We value shrewd business tactics over fidelity to one's spouse and emotionally supporting one's family.  We respect people who are stoically composed at all times instead of expressing how they truly feel.  We admire strength and virility.  We respect wealthy, successful people.    But what about kindness?  What about people who are able to successfully mediate a dispute instead of using their fists?  What about generosity or humility?  Aren't these more admirable qualities than ones possessed by someone who will stop at nothing to get to the top?  Maybe it's why bullying has become such a problem in our schools.  Kids are learning that being strong and mean will get you a lot further in our world than being nice to others.  Where did they learn this and are we okay with them learning it?  It all comes down to what are we teaching our children?


Putting the needs of individuals over the masses is putting our planet in peril.  Are we going to do something about it, and will it be enough?  One of the most eye-opening books I have ever read was Confessions of an Economic Hit Man by John Perkins.  It reads like a thriller but the most chilling aspect is that it is all true.  It provides a first hand account of exactly how many developing countries the U.S. has exploited in the name of progress and just how long we've been ravaging countries for their natural resources, nonchalantly destroying the environment.  Perkins has a great quote from another one his books, The Secret History of The American Empire: Economic Hit Men, Jackals & The Truth About Global Corruption, about the connection between selfishness and extreme poverty.  He says, "Stop being so greedy, and so selfish. Realize that there is more to the world than your big houses and fancy stores. People are starving and you worry about oil for your cars. Babies are dying of thirst and you search the fashion pages for the latest styles. Nations like ours are drowning in poverty, but your people don't even hear our cries for help. You shut your ears to the voices of those who try to tell you these things. You label them radicals or Communists. You must open your hearts to the poor and downtrodden, instead of driving them further into poverty and servitude. There's not much time left. If you don't change, you're doomed. (Perkins, 2008).”  It is up to us--that is what it comes down to.  We can choose to fight and attempt to correct the problem  or we can die slowly at our own hands.  The choice has always been ours. 


There is always a new group to oppress.  In the twenty first century it's the homosexual population.  Is it necessary to declare one group of people lesser and strip them of equal rights to learn from ourselves and move forward as a species from an evolutionary standpoint?  Or are we still just too ignorant to learn from our mistakes, doomed to keep repeating them instead?  They say history is cyclical.  You can see it in the way empires always rise and collapse.  Does this cyclical process mean oppression is inevitable as well?  As long as one group of people seeks to have power over another someone will always be oppressed?  It makes sense when looking at it from a historical perspective.  Using this logic, one could then argue there are certain things we will just never learn.  I refuse to accept that.  One day someone has to get it right.  One day, there has to be a civilization that learns the value of widespread symbiotic relationships--cooperation gets you further than war, peace can be profitable too, and nobody is happy unless everyone is happy.  At this rate, we may not be alive to see it but I just hope it happens someday.  I hope it is possible.


Are we too far gone to fix?  How do you keep living in a world that disgusts you and breaks your heart daily?  And when you can't imagine a happy ending, are you just supposed to go on living anyways? Sometimes I honestly find myself wondering if we should just drive ourselves into extinction.  Maybe it's what we've deserved, and in hundreds of thousands or maybe even millions of years the next advanced species to come along will do better than we did.  It gets difficult for me to think about raising kids in a world that scares me, one I see getting worse with each passing day.  There are so many things I don't agree with; so many things I find morally repugnant and that make my skin crawl.  But there is still the tiniest sliver of hope.  I have the smallest inkling of a feeling that things can still turn around.  We're on the brink of a revolution.  You can feel it.  It's slow, but it's happening.  People are starting to care about the right things.  We're starting to realize it's up to us.  Nothing ever changed unless a group of people demanded it.  Because I can see these seedlings of change being planted, I know it's too soon to throw in the towel.  The power of hope can never be underestimated.  Hope is a powerful weapon, and once it's grabbed onto there's no telling what it can do.

things I've learned working with kids

Think of this as Part II in what may become a "things I've learned..." series.  I've been a nanny for a wonderful family for the past year and a half, and though thoroughly enjoying it I have always been aware that it is a filler job for me.  I don't plan on making a career out of it and on the surface, it doesn't seem to have much of a connection to what I do plan on pursuing professionally.  So, I have spent a lot of time justifying why being a nanny has been relevant to my life and this list of things I have learned is what I came up with.



1.) Patience seriously is a virtue: I know I said a version of this in "things I've learned from my dog", but I am repeating it to stress how highly I regard patient people.  As someone who is quick to anger, patience is something I struggle to hold onto.  But over time I have realized anger and worry never get you anywhere.  I've never changed the outcome of something or altered someone else's behavior by stressing about it or getting mad because of it.  Patience leads to calm, and when you're able to stay calm, regardless of the situation, you will always see things more clearly.  If you're thinking clearly, the likely outcome will almost always be favorable to the alternative.

2.) Expect the Unexpected: One of the best things about working with kids is you can and should do something different with them every day.  It helps stimulate their minds, and in my opinion they behave better if you stay active doing different things.  The downside of going to public places with kids and being active is that you are exposing them to more dangers and increasing your potential to lose them.  This in no way means you shouldn't do these things, but it does mean you need to take some precautions.  I try to prepare for every situation I can think of when we're leaving the house-- an allergy attack, a fall on the playground, dehydration, hunger, the need to go to the bathroom, boogers, dirty hands & faces, etc.  Learning to be mega-aware of your surroundings and thinking on your feet when faced with a crisis, minor or major, is important and a totally underrated skill.  Being a nanny I have realized parents really do have super powers, especially stay-at-home parents (as these are the subjects I have had the most interactions with).  When I say powers, I am obviously talking about a set of special skills you can only acquire once you are charged with taking care of children.  There are certain things you have to learn by doing--in my opinion, anything involving kids follows this rule.  Being around children makes us better people because it forces us to examine our own behavior--why do I react this way in similar situations? What would I say if someone told me what I just told her?  This kind of self-awareness or self-examination is productive if it is then turned into a useful outcome like self-improvement of some kind.  Because actions speak louder than words after all.

3.) Anger only gets you so far: I have never seen anger get me anywhere with a child.  Anytime I've lost my temper and screamed at one I am only met with silence and a blank stare.  Anger is a completely unproductive emotion.  It never makes a situation better.  It never makes you feel any better.  The best thing any of us can do with anger is let go of it as quickly as possible.  And there's no set way of how to do this because anger is so different in everyone.  All we can do is find what works for us and be patient with it.  Don't worry.  Be happy :).  

4.) Keep It Simple: Kids don't take anything too seriously.  You get the occasional drama queen, but for the most part they brush off a dead pet or even a relative like they would a skinned knee or a fight over a toy.  They laugh when they do something funny.  They cry when something is sad.  They don't complicate the truth.  They don't complicate love (until you do something wrong and they hate you until they love you again).  It's always easy for me to tell when a kid is lying-- there's an uneasiness in their expression, they can't quite look you in the eye, there may even be a twitch of a smile on their face.  They know they're doing something wrong.  You're either wrong or you're right.  You're good or you're bad.  We could get into a philosophical debate that there is good and bad in everyone and you can't have one without the other.  This may be true, but there's an inherent beauty in the simple way a child looks at the world.  They take things at face value, accept them for what they are and move on.  We're all told you have to grow up someday, but once in a while I don't think it could hurt to remember what was so great about being a kid and embrace that innocent simplicity in our grown up lives.

5.) The small things matter too: Maybe it's because kids change so quickly and grow up so fast, but I have found myself really enjoying the small moments with them.  The absurd things that come out of their mouths that make you laugh hours later when thinking about it. Baking cookies on a rainy day together.  Catching butterflies in the backyard.  Singing along to the radio in the car.  It's these small moments that make up the meat of your personal relationships.  They're the things you hold onto after a person is gone.  These small pieces of time end up being some of the most important moments in your life.

Hope you enjoyed and agree how important some of these life lessons can be!

Why is failure so hard to handle?

           On a flight to Spain last summer, I watched the unexpected gem of a movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.  There were two quotes in particular that I loved: "The only real failure is the failure to try" and "the only real measure of success is how we cope with disappointment."  After the film ended I started thinking about how true both of those statements are.  I think if you look at most cases of truly successful people you'll find that they didn't all get it right the first time.  Finding success is a matter of believing in yourself no matter how many times you fail.  You know you'll make it, regardless of what anyone else says.  But building that kind of self-confidence is difficult, especially when defeat can take such a toll on one's psyche.  It's hard to pick yourself up again after you fall, even more so if it's more than once.  Are some people just better at dealing with disappointment and rejection or is it a skill you can develop?

           When you hear "you can do whatever you want" as a kid you assume that means it will be easy, or at least straightforward.  But then we're told we have to do everything.  Do well in school.  Find something you love.  See the world.  Settle down and have a family.  Plan for the future.  All the choices are overwhelming and it's easy to get caught up in the idea of doing the right thing instead of choosing something.  It's why it took me four years to figure out what I should do next after I quit Teach for America.  I had such high expectations for how I was going to change the lives of my students and I failed.  I couldn't even make it a year in the New Orleans school system!  It's true that when I started my Teach for America training I was told this was the hardest position I would ever have, and if I could handle that I could handle anything.  Maybe my quitting means I can't handle anything, but it was an eye opening experience.  The first thing you learn when working in the field is you can't help everyone.  It's honestly a heartbreaking lesson to learn, and it quickly weeds out the faint of heart.  At first, I thought my TFA fiasco meant that social justice work wasn't for me.  I don't think that's the case.  I just needed to let life harden me a bit, grow a thicker skin and readjust my expectations.  History has shown us passionate people really can make a difference; it's just a matter of finding your voice.  And there will likely be a few bumps along the road.  I think finding a voice and a purpose comes more naturally to some people than others.  It took being around like minds in college for me to finally start articulating my opinions with conviction.  It took failure and experience to find a direction.  My ultimate end goal is still undecided, but I'm okay with that.  I'm just taking it one step at a time  and not worrying as much about sticking to a concrete plan.

          So, how do you get better at handling failure when it's something you're not taught to expect?  I don't know about you, but failure wasn't something we talked much about in my family growing up.  We talked about going for what you want and the importance of hard work and determination, but I never got any pep talks about what to do when the happy ending doesn't come so easily.  That said, it's really not that surprising failure proved difficult for me to accept.  This is another way my generation was ill-prepared for the real world.  When you grow up in a bubble with an abundance of participation trophies and A's for effort, you internalize that showing up is enough.  If we visualize the life we want and go to work every day, good things will happen.  But then what?

             A lot of successful business men and women talk about the importance of failure.  Dale Carnegie said "Develop success from failures.  Disappointment and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success."  It's true that a lot can be learned from failing.  Thomas Edison made ten thousand light bulbs before one actually worked.   Abraham Lincoln lost multiple elections throughout his political career.  Henry Ford went bankrupt four times.  The one thing that all of these people had in common was a belief in themselves and what they were doing.  Ultimately, that's the most important lesson we can learn: believe in yourself and anything is possible.  But it's not easy, is it?  

              My new theory is failure is a choice. You can choose to let failing define you or you can refuse to give up.  You move on or you don't. You regroup and restrategize or you throw in the towel. It's like what they say about fear-- it's a choice, it only exists in your mind. Maybe if we all talked about the learning potential in failure and the necessity of making mistakes to grow as individuals we would all be more comfortable accepting it as normal.  We live in a social world and let's face it, most of us care what other people think of us. Or sometimes it's what we expect  people to think that gets us. What everyone seems to realize eventually is that the only opinion that really, truly matters in the end is your own. And if you're crazy enough to really believe in yourself and your dreams then a little failure is nothing you can't bounce back from. 

It's been four years. What have I learned?

      As I watched my neighbors walk out of their apartment dressed in caps and gowns to attend their graduation yesterday, I realized this weekend marked four years since I graduated from college.  A lot has happened since then--some good, some bad, and some incredibly eye-opening. I thought I would share with you a few of the more poignant life lessons I have learned these past four years.

1.) Growing up white and privileged does not necessarily guarantee you immediate success in life (who knew?!). I said it before and I'll say it again, my generation was ill-prepared for the real world; especially those of us born to a certain station in life.  I grew up thinking that all I had to do was imagine the kind of life I wanted and it would just happen.  I always did well in school and assumed that would just translate into my post-graduate life as well.  It didn't.  It turns out that you have to really know what you want to be successful at anything. I drifted through my collegiate life, floating lofty ideals and a vision for a better future I would somehow be a part of shaping.  But I was never really sure how I would contribute.  Each year it seemed like I came up with a new profession and subsequent life plan.  So, I graduated pursuing one such plan, which, shockingly, didn't work out and then took about four years to figure out my next move.  

          What I'm finally realizing is there is no perfect plan.  You can map out every detail of your life and the outcome is still ultimately out of your control.  How does that saying go?  "Life is what happens when you're making other plans."  My biggest lesson in the last year is that sometimes you just need to choose a path and trust that things will work out.  It's that simple.  Once you make a decision about one facet of your life the other pieces magically seem to fall into place, maybe not all at once but it does come together.  I'm just now starting to appreciate this in-between process of not having everything figured out yet.  I'm cutting myself some slack and accepting that it's fairly common for twenty six year olds not to have all their shit together.  As long as I'm moving in a positive direction I'm making progress.  My advice is figure out what is going to make you happy and the rest will follow.  Forget the money, forget the fear, forget the reasons why not to do it and just jump, take the risk.  You'll never regret going for something you wanted.  However, I think you will almost always regret not going for it.

           There is also something to be said for hard work.  People my age grew up being told we were great, and sometimes we expect everyone else to think we're great too, regardless of whether we actually prove it or not.  We expect to be good at something right away, to be making lots of money in our first job, and to be constantly reassured we're wonderful.  What I learned very quickly in my first real world experience was that the only person truly invested in your success out there is you.  You need to put in the work and the time, proving your worth before anyone will recognize your value.  Value yourself first and success will follow.

2.) Practice does indeed make perfect. We live in a different world than the one our grandparents grew up in.  People don't spend thirty years in the same job anymore.  They go to college out of state and often end up settling down far away from where they were born. Most people have at least three different careers nowadays.  That's not to say that some people don't know what they want to do from a young age and never change their minds.  But for people like me who spent so much time undecided, gaining experience trying different careers is important.  I never would have decided to pursue a Masters in social work if I hadn't first taught, met a lot of different kinds of families, done my own research, and talked to professionals about what kinds of positions and degrees made the most sense for me.  Thinking you want to do something and actually pursuing it as a job are two very different things.  I had a friend who dreamed of opening her own bakery, but once she actually worked in one she realized it wasn't for her.  It seems like people of my generation are more concerned with liking what they do than previous generations.  It's not just about a paycheck and benefits to us.  We are easily bored and need to be inspired by and excited about what we do for work.  I have come to the conclusion that loving what I do is paramount to my personal fulfillment.  It took me time to figure out what I really wanted to do and that is okay!

3.) Gratitude is key. As someone who has spent the better half of my twenties living in some form of poverty, I have learned that it is really important to appreciate the good things in your life.  Appreciating what you do have makes what's missing seem a little less apparent, And if you believe in the teachings of the cult hit The Secret, starting each day in a place of gratitude leaves you open to more good things coming into your life.  Focusing on what you have and want brings more of that to you.  And gratitude has everything to do with living in the present. We can't control what has already happened anymore than what will happen in the future. All we can really do is live for today because it's the only guarantee we have.

       I am hoping some of this strikes a chord with other recent college grads.  I think the hardest part of growing up is accepting that we're never a finished product.  There is always more to learn, more to say, more to improve.  You have to just enjoy the fun in figuring it all out along the way.