On a flight to Spain last summer, I watched the unexpected gem of a movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. There were two quotes in particular that I loved: "The only real failure is the failure to try" and "the only real measure of success is how we cope with disappointment." After the film ended I started thinking about how true both of those statements are. I think if you look at most cases of truly successful people you'll find that they didn't all get it right the first time. Finding success is a matter of believing in yourself no matter how many times you fail. You know you'll make it, regardless of what anyone else says. But building that kind of self-confidence is difficult, especially when defeat can take such a toll on one's psyche. It's hard to pick yourself up again after you fall, even more so if it's more than once. Are some people just better at dealing with disappointment and rejection or is it a skill you can develop?
When you hear "you can do whatever you want" as a kid you assume that means it will be easy, or at least straightforward. But then we're told we have to do everything. Do well in school. Find something you love. See the world. Settle down and have a family. Plan for the future. All the choices are overwhelming and it's easy to get caught up in the idea of doing the right thing instead of choosing something. It's why it took me four years to figure out what I should do next after I quit Teach for America. I had such high expectations for how I was going to change the lives of my students and I failed. I couldn't even make it a year in the New Orleans school system! It's true that when I started my Teach for America training I was told this was the hardest position I would ever have, and if I could handle that I could handle anything. Maybe my quitting means I can't handle anything, but it was an eye opening experience. The first thing you learn when working in the field is you can't help everyone. It's honestly a heartbreaking lesson to learn, and it quickly weeds out the faint of heart. At first, I thought my TFA fiasco meant that social justice work wasn't for me. I don't think that's the case. I just needed to let life harden me a bit, grow a thicker skin and readjust my expectations. History has shown us passionate people really can make a difference; it's just a matter of finding your voice. And there will likely be a few bumps along the road. I think finding a voice and a purpose comes more naturally to some people than others. It took being around like minds in college for me to finally start articulating my opinions with conviction. It took failure and experience to find a direction. My ultimate end goal is still undecided, but I'm okay with that. I'm just taking it one step at a time and not worrying as much about sticking to a concrete plan.
So, how do you get better at handling failure when it's something you're not taught to expect? I don't know about you, but failure wasn't something we talked much about in my family growing up. We talked about going for what you want and the importance of hard work and determination, but I never got any pep talks about what to do when the happy ending doesn't come so easily. That said, it's really not that surprising failure proved difficult for me to accept. This is another way my generation was ill-prepared for the real world. When you grow up in a bubble with an abundance of participation trophies and A's for effort, you internalize that showing up is enough. If we visualize the life we want and go to work every day, good things will happen. But then what?
A lot of successful business men and women talk about the importance of failure. Dale Carnegie said "Develop success from failures. Disappointment and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success." It's true that a lot can be learned from failing. Thomas Edison made ten thousand light bulbs before one actually worked. Abraham Lincoln lost multiple elections throughout his political career. Henry Ford went bankrupt four times. The one thing that all of these people had in common was a belief in themselves and what they were doing. Ultimately, that's the most important lesson we can learn: believe in yourself and anything is possible. But it's not easy, is it?
My new theory is failure is a choice. You can choose to let failing define you or you can refuse to give up. You move on or you don't. You regroup and restrategize or you throw in the towel. It's like what they say about fear-- it's a choice, it only exists in your mind. Maybe if we all talked about the learning potential in failure and the necessity of making mistakes to grow as individuals we would all be more comfortable accepting it as normal. We live in a social world and let's face it, most of us care what other people think of us. Or sometimes it's what we expect people to think that gets us. What everyone seems to realize eventually is that the only opinion that really, truly matters in the end is your own. And if you're crazy enough to really believe in yourself and your dreams then a little failure is nothing you can't bounce back from.
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