Why is failure so hard to handle?

           On a flight to Spain last summer, I watched the unexpected gem of a movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.  There were two quotes in particular that I loved: "The only real failure is the failure to try" and "the only real measure of success is how we cope with disappointment."  After the film ended I started thinking about how true both of those statements are.  I think if you look at most cases of truly successful people you'll find that they didn't all get it right the first time.  Finding success is a matter of believing in yourself no matter how many times you fail.  You know you'll make it, regardless of what anyone else says.  But building that kind of self-confidence is difficult, especially when defeat can take such a toll on one's psyche.  It's hard to pick yourself up again after you fall, even more so if it's more than once.  Are some people just better at dealing with disappointment and rejection or is it a skill you can develop?

           When you hear "you can do whatever you want" as a kid you assume that means it will be easy, or at least straightforward.  But then we're told we have to do everything.  Do well in school.  Find something you love.  See the world.  Settle down and have a family.  Plan for the future.  All the choices are overwhelming and it's easy to get caught up in the idea of doing the right thing instead of choosing something.  It's why it took me four years to figure out what I should do next after I quit Teach for America.  I had such high expectations for how I was going to change the lives of my students and I failed.  I couldn't even make it a year in the New Orleans school system!  It's true that when I started my Teach for America training I was told this was the hardest position I would ever have, and if I could handle that I could handle anything.  Maybe my quitting means I can't handle anything, but it was an eye opening experience.  The first thing you learn when working in the field is you can't help everyone.  It's honestly a heartbreaking lesson to learn, and it quickly weeds out the faint of heart.  At first, I thought my TFA fiasco meant that social justice work wasn't for me.  I don't think that's the case.  I just needed to let life harden me a bit, grow a thicker skin and readjust my expectations.  History has shown us passionate people really can make a difference; it's just a matter of finding your voice.  And there will likely be a few bumps along the road.  I think finding a voice and a purpose comes more naturally to some people than others.  It took being around like minds in college for me to finally start articulating my opinions with conviction.  It took failure and experience to find a direction.  My ultimate end goal is still undecided, but I'm okay with that.  I'm just taking it one step at a time  and not worrying as much about sticking to a concrete plan.

          So, how do you get better at handling failure when it's something you're not taught to expect?  I don't know about you, but failure wasn't something we talked much about in my family growing up.  We talked about going for what you want and the importance of hard work and determination, but I never got any pep talks about what to do when the happy ending doesn't come so easily.  That said, it's really not that surprising failure proved difficult for me to accept.  This is another way my generation was ill-prepared for the real world.  When you grow up in a bubble with an abundance of participation trophies and A's for effort, you internalize that showing up is enough.  If we visualize the life we want and go to work every day, good things will happen.  But then what?

             A lot of successful business men and women talk about the importance of failure.  Dale Carnegie said "Develop success from failures.  Disappointment and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success."  It's true that a lot can be learned from failing.  Thomas Edison made ten thousand light bulbs before one actually worked.   Abraham Lincoln lost multiple elections throughout his political career.  Henry Ford went bankrupt four times.  The one thing that all of these people had in common was a belief in themselves and what they were doing.  Ultimately, that's the most important lesson we can learn: believe in yourself and anything is possible.  But it's not easy, is it?  

              My new theory is failure is a choice. You can choose to let failing define you or you can refuse to give up.  You move on or you don't. You regroup and restrategize or you throw in the towel. It's like what they say about fear-- it's a choice, it only exists in your mind. Maybe if we all talked about the learning potential in failure and the necessity of making mistakes to grow as individuals we would all be more comfortable accepting it as normal.  We live in a social world and let's face it, most of us care what other people think of us. Or sometimes it's what we expect  people to think that gets us. What everyone seems to realize eventually is that the only opinion that really, truly matters in the end is your own. And if you're crazy enough to really believe in yourself and your dreams then a little failure is nothing you can't bounce back from. 

It's been four years. What have I learned?

      As I watched my neighbors walk out of their apartment dressed in caps and gowns to attend their graduation yesterday, I realized this weekend marked four years since I graduated from college.  A lot has happened since then--some good, some bad, and some incredibly eye-opening. I thought I would share with you a few of the more poignant life lessons I have learned these past four years.

1.) Growing up white and privileged does not necessarily guarantee you immediate success in life (who knew?!). I said it before and I'll say it again, my generation was ill-prepared for the real world; especially those of us born to a certain station in life.  I grew up thinking that all I had to do was imagine the kind of life I wanted and it would just happen.  I always did well in school and assumed that would just translate into my post-graduate life as well.  It didn't.  It turns out that you have to really know what you want to be successful at anything. I drifted through my collegiate life, floating lofty ideals and a vision for a better future I would somehow be a part of shaping.  But I was never really sure how I would contribute.  Each year it seemed like I came up with a new profession and subsequent life plan.  So, I graduated pursuing one such plan, which, shockingly, didn't work out and then took about four years to figure out my next move.  

          What I'm finally realizing is there is no perfect plan.  You can map out every detail of your life and the outcome is still ultimately out of your control.  How does that saying go?  "Life is what happens when you're making other plans."  My biggest lesson in the last year is that sometimes you just need to choose a path and trust that things will work out.  It's that simple.  Once you make a decision about one facet of your life the other pieces magically seem to fall into place, maybe not all at once but it does come together.  I'm just now starting to appreciate this in-between process of not having everything figured out yet.  I'm cutting myself some slack and accepting that it's fairly common for twenty six year olds not to have all their shit together.  As long as I'm moving in a positive direction I'm making progress.  My advice is figure out what is going to make you happy and the rest will follow.  Forget the money, forget the fear, forget the reasons why not to do it and just jump, take the risk.  You'll never regret going for something you wanted.  However, I think you will almost always regret not going for it.

           There is also something to be said for hard work.  People my age grew up being told we were great, and sometimes we expect everyone else to think we're great too, regardless of whether we actually prove it or not.  We expect to be good at something right away, to be making lots of money in our first job, and to be constantly reassured we're wonderful.  What I learned very quickly in my first real world experience was that the only person truly invested in your success out there is you.  You need to put in the work and the time, proving your worth before anyone will recognize your value.  Value yourself first and success will follow.

2.) Practice does indeed make perfect. We live in a different world than the one our grandparents grew up in.  People don't spend thirty years in the same job anymore.  They go to college out of state and often end up settling down far away from where they were born. Most people have at least three different careers nowadays.  That's not to say that some people don't know what they want to do from a young age and never change their minds.  But for people like me who spent so much time undecided, gaining experience trying different careers is important.  I never would have decided to pursue a Masters in social work if I hadn't first taught, met a lot of different kinds of families, done my own research, and talked to professionals about what kinds of positions and degrees made the most sense for me.  Thinking you want to do something and actually pursuing it as a job are two very different things.  I had a friend who dreamed of opening her own bakery, but once she actually worked in one she realized it wasn't for her.  It seems like people of my generation are more concerned with liking what they do than previous generations.  It's not just about a paycheck and benefits to us.  We are easily bored and need to be inspired by and excited about what we do for work.  I have come to the conclusion that loving what I do is paramount to my personal fulfillment.  It took me time to figure out what I really wanted to do and that is okay!

3.) Gratitude is key. As someone who has spent the better half of my twenties living in some form of poverty, I have learned that it is really important to appreciate the good things in your life.  Appreciating what you do have makes what's missing seem a little less apparent, And if you believe in the teachings of the cult hit The Secret, starting each day in a place of gratitude leaves you open to more good things coming into your life.  Focusing on what you have and want brings more of that to you.  And gratitude has everything to do with living in the present. We can't control what has already happened anymore than what will happen in the future. All we can really do is live for today because it's the only guarantee we have.

       I am hoping some of this strikes a chord with other recent college grads.  I think the hardest part of growing up is accepting that we're never a finished product.  There is always more to learn, more to say, more to improve.  You have to just enjoy the fun in figuring it all out along the way.